Greetings from G-Ville, where we are confronted with a monumental decision: to whom do we hand over the reigns to our once vaunted, now taunted, football program. As an influential member, I would like to let my opinion be heard. I have produced the following candidates who I believe are everything Ron Zook is not.

A Man who can beat the inbreds: Jerry Springer.



"What? He lost to who? Hahahaha"


The suggestion of Jerry Springer for UF coach will have some proclaiming the apocalypse. But please, before sending Jerry Fallwell on me, hear this poor man's reason for his insanity. Ron Zook for some reason had a difficult beating teams from Mississippi. That's right, the University of Florida's great football team has a 0-3 record against Ole Miss and Mississippi State under Zook's reign. The university that invented gatorade has not been able to beat teams whose players go out with 2nd cousin Jackie Jean after the game.

I believe Jerry Springer is the man for this problem. This man is a god to these people, and he would command their utmost respect from the get-go. They go to him when their mom steals their man; why would he not know how to beat them? He interacted exclusively with these people during his tenure as tv show host. He knows how to relate and win against these people. Therefore, I throw Jerry Springer into the candidate pool.

Next,
A Coach who will turn ref's heads and hearts: Salma Hayek
.
"Te amo. No mas faltas, si!"


During Ron Zook's tenure as coach, being a gator fan has been synonymous with signing a creed that designates that you are willing to be screwed over by the black and white striped conspirators. Whether it be ACC refs or SEC refs, these zebras have deliberately tortured my life in ways that have adversely affected my social life.

Why Salma? If Salma Hayek wanted me to walk around in pink fairy slippers, I'd probably wear a pretty tiara with it. Any self-respecting referee is not going to mess with Salma's team, it just wouldn't happen. One argument from her, and the flags might as well be orange and blue. Besides, can I say media guide cover?

Next,
A Coach who is magnificent in the clutch: Hoss
.
"Blitz 'em..... Oh, and where's my headset again?"


It's quite obvious Ron Zook is the worst coach of the 4th Quarter in modern history. He somehow knows how to blow impossible leads (i.e. Miami, FSU, Tennessee, LSU,) and many other games which he blows leads but still somehow barely wins (Arkansas, ArkansasII, Kentucky).

I can fix this. As a self-proclaimed slacker, I have no idea how I have survived this far in my academic life or any other aspect for that matter. I've lost more keys and wallets to be mentioned. Most of my mom's grey hair can be attributed to my lack of discipline. Therefore, I believe my procrastinating ways will be extremely helpful for the football team. Besides, Zook was a hard worker and that obviously didn't work out. Why not a slacker?


In conclusion, I think we can hire the right person and win a national championship next year. Hey, the Red Sox just won the World Series. It could definitely happen.

Hoss