Hoss: I finally got a mass fwd email worth reading. And it didn't base my salvation off of how many people I have on my contact list...... Anyways, I thought this email might help women understand men. Credit Chris Glazier (ITP Side!) for emailing me it.....

Finally, the guys' side of the story. They are numbered in priority order.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
2. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
3. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
4. Crying is blackmail.
5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!Just say it!
6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
8. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
9. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,all comments become null and void after 7 days.
10. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
11. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
12. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
13. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
14. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
15. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
16. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 17. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
18. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
19. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
20. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
21. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
22. You have enough clothes.
23. You have too many shoes.
24. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
25. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Hope you enjoyed/learned,
Hoss

Call off the presses!!!! 2 days in a row the infamous Hoss has plugged away his valuable time into his worthless blog, foresaking such common man standards as excellence such as test grades, homework, and the overrated commodity = sleep.

ok, enough of making fun of this monumental occasion. Let's go back to the purpose of this blog --- well, even I don't know that. so let's just do something anyway. How about the daily categories?

Hoss Moment of the Day (this will become a daily occurence, don't fret)

A couple days ago, I was innocently driving home. As I was driving through the night, I noticed an eager somebody waving at me in the back of the car in front of me. I thought it was somebody I knew. so I smiled. Then I realized I had no idea who this was. After a moment of perplexion, my male ego kicked in. "Of course, Hoss, it's just another teenager awestruck by this hunk of man driving behind her, and she wanted to say thanks for being an incredible looking creature." I understood her joy, and was filled with warmth that I could brighten someone's day just by smiling for them. then my brilliant mind began to think more. "Wow, Hoss, she's still waving. Maybe you should at least pull up and give her your number. She's earned it at least." Well, I was contemplating these egotistical, shallow thoughts when it occurred to me when I looked out the window more. Waitt....

(dramatic pause)

it was a dog. the whole time I had been waving and flirtatiously smiling it had been to a Fido. Fido, and was she sexy. Apparantly, I had mistaken a dog's tail for a hand waving.

Ahh, I'm so stupid... that's why I love me. I still wonder what the driver of the car thinks about that wierd guy who waved at him/her for a couple minutes. Well, buddy you just experienced a hoss moment (it's copyrighted, don't even think about it).

Well, I'm off to go spy in the enemy's land. Yes, Im undercover at a sorority function tonight. I'll be counting how many time I hear the words "I, me, like, whatever" tonight.

Wish me luck
Hoss

Long time no type. Yes, I´m sure all two readers who unfortunately found (Get out while you can!) this depressing web site are deeply devastated that there is not more worthless information on this site for them to waste their valuable time on. Well, live with it.

Anyways, I really don´t have time to write at this moment in time. I really should be studying, working out, writing a paper, cooking dinner, getting sleep, or carrying out some sadistic plot against those ¨refs¨ who willingly sold their souls in order for those volunteers to win against my beloved, tragic Gators (I´m discovering that being a Gator´s fan at this present time is reminiscent of being a Ohio State fan before Jim Tressel. Every year the Buckeyes would be undefeated, and every freaking pathetic year they would lose the last game of the year. to the hated Michigan Wolverines. The Ohio State coach John Cooper made my living existence throughout childhood one of mockery and shame. Ok, not quite that bad.) Only difference is Ron Zook´s team find ways to lose just about every close game with big teams.

Anyways, where was I. Oh, I hate refs. good stuff.

The report on living conditions in Knoxville

Well, it appears that the people of Tennessee have slowly progressed in their living conditions. Half of these mountain people do now have a full set of teeth, and there are a reported two dentists in these unknown parts.



I reckon it's the dang thing all those restless youth in Tennessee are doing these days

The common rituals for these simple folk is to come down weekly for their ¨football team¨. Yep, Billy Bob and Jackie Jean leave their trailers every Saturday to ¨watch them vols¨.



Watch out G-Unit. The Inbred Posse, (Appalachia side!) is armed and ready in Knoxville (that's Phil Fulmer "Vols Coach" in the middle. Little risque',huh, fat fulmer?)

Ahh, this team they refer to as the volunteers. Apparently at the time the Adult Literacy Center of Tennessee needed to create a mascot for their alternative learning school. So they then decided, after a game of pebbles, to have a contest for their fans. The biggest word sent in by the participants would be chosen as their mascot's name. These great minds put their heads together and shocked the rest of the world (A.K.A. civilized world) with their surprising knowledge. Intelligent words such as it, kat, ur, traylor kept coming in on the best Charmin rolls around. Granted, these words weren't spelled right but hey, it was a Tennessee contest. It seemed all but certain that the team name would be the Tennessee Chews, when a late entry came in. Apparently after a late night of drinking Jack Daniels, a mountain man had mistakenly written the word Volunteers. The contest committee franticly kidnapped the next bookmobile at the Georgia border to get that mysterious thing they
call a "dictionary".



The kidnapped bookmobile

Amazingly Tennessee's President (who could read!) discovered that yes, the word Volunteers is indeed a word, and it was even spelled correctly!!! Thusly, the Tennessee Volunteers were created.

Sorry, thought it was necessary that I go into the storied history of these Vols. Anyways, Saturday night came and I found myself in the middle of Neeland Stadium. Throughout the night, the Tennessee band (a banjo, mandolin, violin, and harmonica) managed to only play the cursed song "Good Ol' Rocky Top" 21 times. We counted. Seriously. They played this only 21 times during the game because they were losing most of the game,where on the contrary a Volunteer game, in which they are winning, the count can then reach the mid-hundreds. This is due to the fact that they know no other song. It's either they play "Good 'Ol Rocky Top" or a flamboyant version of the Seminole war chant. Well, after the refs decided to make the Gators lose as well as Charley Strong/Ron Zook thought that the whole idea of "pressuring the quarterback" was overrated, the inbred man at the helm threw the ball down the field to his cousins (now I am assuming they are cousins, they could very well be brother, sister, or in the rare case 2nd cousins).



Head referee of the game... Hmmm, I wonder who he was rooting for.


This inbred they call Ainge brought his team in range of the field goal, and the kicker redeemed his life and saved it from certain death, due to a shotgun, by kicking the winning field goal. As I walked out of the stadium in utter shame and dismay, I noticed all these fans in Tennessee orange staring at me. At first, I thought it was due to my clean shaven face or that I didn't have suspenders. But no, it was due to the fact I was walking by myself in a blue Gator shirt through the middle of the Adult Learning Center. I quickly picked up my pace towards my "car" in the cornfield. I didn't trust Billy Bob or Bob Billy and all their shotguns. Besides those basset hounds were peeing on me.



An Vol's best friend... until cousin suzy turns 15.

So I left that place they call Knoxville.

well, sorry for the long entry.
I hope you survived this tumultuous journey through the minds of those less fortunate.
Hoss
P.S. Can those who are familiar with posting pictures on blogger let me know how? I'm having some difficulty. Thanx!

Warning: the following pictures may be too dramatic for those who love and care for the conspicuously named "Hoss". Please be aware of the fact that this hunky specimen of a man is alive and well.... and single.... (that was pathetic, wasn't it?)

The following pictures show the aftermath of Frances on my apartment complex, In The Pines (Gainesville, Fl).


I didn't survive Frances, Frances survived Hoss.
Pretty big trees huh?



Kind of ironic seeing all these fallen oak trees in a complex called In The Pines, Huh?



Believe it or not, that's the tree's leaves, not bushes,

This pine tree missed my car by 10 feet. It fell in the middle of the road, the only place it could without hitting the cars on either side.

haha, even the leasing office got hit.


Well, that's all. I didn't think the storm was strong enough when it hit us to take down such big oak trees, but apparantly it was. I feel bad for those who are living in the apartments that go hit by trees.

goodbye,
hoss

Post-Frances Thoughts:

Again, who would ever think that it would be a French storm to not make up its mind what it wanted to do? Is this only ironic to me?

Meteorological' Conversations before TV Forecasts: One big political speech
Meteorologist#1: The eye is freaking 70 miles wide. Its 70 freaking miles wide. We never studied this.
meteorologist#2: What? It's just going to stop? I have no idea what this storm is doing!
Meteoroligist#1: It's 70 miles wide!
Meteorolgist#2: I hate this. Why can't we just make up those percentage things like we normally do? You know, Jacksonville has a 50% chance of rain. That way, no matter what happens, we're right.
Meteorologist#1: I know! Let's say that there is a 40% chance that West Palm Beach will get wind today. You know, kind of like all these presidential candidate speeches. Without the whole changing of opinion. (talking in politician voice) "I'm for protecting America, education, family values, and good jobs. That's what separates me from my opponent, who has some sadistic idea of ruining America to its core obviously"
Meteorologist#2: At least they know when their speech will end. When will this French storm move? Should we airlift crepes to the eye?
Meteorologist#1: Come on, pull it together! We got to make something up!
Meteoroligist#2: (Panicking) Steve Lyons!!! Where are you???
Cameraman: Ahmmm, we go on air in 15 seconds...
Meteoroligist#2: Ok, let's just say that it's going to move sometime this next week. Surely that way the storm won't make us look like complete idiots.
Meteoroligist#1: Awesome! And we can make this huge cone that covers the state of Florida, that way we look even smarter! We can't risk looking like idiots again. My kids will never live this down at school. And the eye is freaking 70 miles wide!
Meteoroligist#2: I can't wait for freaking winter. There are no hurricanes then right? We do know that at least!
Meteorologist#1: I don't know. Frances may still be here then.
Meteorologist#2: Good point. Let's keep that in mind.
Cameraman: And we're on.....
Meteorologist#1: And just like we thought all along, Frances has stopped. We just never told you before so you would get ready ahead of time.
Meteorologist#2: Exactly. Aren't you glad we're looking out for you? Now luckily for you, we've skillfuly narrowed Frances' target down to the state of Florida. Landfall should happen in sometime from now until next week, we think. And the eye is of course 70 miles...........


Random Thoughts by Hoss
I'm going to grow up to be a storm chaser. That way I can get paid to play in the rain.
And I'll do that whole "lean into the wind while my jacket hood ridiculously flaps in the wind".
yah exactly.

stop the rain,
hoss
(At least Ivan sounds scary. Imagine, I survived Ivan the Terrible........ I can see the T-Shirts)

Man, it would have to be a freaking French storm to not make up its mind wouldn't it? Why don't you and your stupid beret go run away like the country your named after does!! I'll even throw in some crepes if you hurry.